Lets Get Quizzical

I think it's only fair to "out" myself at the very start! I have appeared on a TV game show. It was a strange set of circumstances, which involved being in a hotel on business and auditions being held at the same venue. By recognising a nine letter anagram as MASOCHISM, I ended up on Countdown.

Now, I'd love to say that I blew away the competition with my prodigious vocabulary and Voorderman-esque ability to do simple maths but the fact of the matter is I scored a weedy 27 (in the days when there were less rounds...I have some pride) and was subsequently deposited on the train from Leeds back to London. All in all, not a totally unpleasant experience and I consoled myself with the facts that all the people I met were very affable and I didn't make a complete fool of myself.

If you have been following my ramblings (thank you) you know that I am not currently in full time employment. Apart from the opportunity this has given me to indulge my writing "habit" it has also exposed me to the wondrous world that is Daytime Television.

The programming for DT follows a series of genres. There's the how to buy and sell a house and make a profit format........it's November 2008 get real. There's the find a hidden treasure in your attic format........."So, how are you gonna spend the £30 profit from the cracked Clarisse Cliff ashtray?" Probably on the train fare home. And then, of course, there are the game shows

You can start your brain training with "Going for Gold", tired old shtick tired old sets. Then "Spin Star" great big fruit machine, all very spangly. No idea what it's all about. "Golden Balls" on the other hand is a real doozy. Hosted by a very unfunny Jasper Carrot it seems to centre round people opening spheres with random amounts of money therein and lying to other players about how much they contained. The finale is two people swearing they will split the proceeds but actually planning to shaft each other. Sweet! If you are still hungry for even more you can't go wrong with a touch of "Deal or No Deal". Good God! How difficult is it? Start at Box 1 work your way towards Box 22 and when it gets twitchy take the bleedin' money! As DT starts to fade into the sunset we get possibly the least pretentious and most challenging of the lot, "Eggheads". Five professional quizzers are challenged by pub-style quiz teams. "The Giants of Quizland have triumphed once again will they ever be beaten?" . Actually yes, on average about every five games.

I have, as you'd expect, saved the worst 'til last. It is the phenomenon, the leviathan, the Guvnor. the utter heap of unadulterated detritus better known as "The Weakest Link".

When it first appeared as early evening entertainment offering decent amounts of prize money, I was moderately amused by what was clearly credible competition for "Millionaire" . I used to cringe slightly at the put downs but it was my choice to watch. As indeed it is now with the DT version but, but, but...........this really is "car crash" TV.

We are all used to everyone desiring their "15 minutes of fame" (guilty as charged your Honour) but why, oh why do the deluded saddos choose to grab it on this "lamb to the slaughter" scenario? I can only assume it is the same mindset that makes the tone deaf and socially challenged apply for "X Factor"!

At least six of the so-called contestants seem to have a problem even articulating their name let alone a real challenge like "name the L that is the opposite of Right". Consequently, the chance of a prize any bigger than £2,500 is nigh on impossible. In order for the one player with an IQ over 50 to get their hands on this week altering amount, they are subjected to an onslaught of playground bullying by the Henna'd Harridan. I would rather crawl over broken glass than allow this Eva Braun wannabe to deride me. To make this even more laughable She That is Well Past Her Sell by Date seems to make more mistakes in pronunciation than the majority of her "guests". Pot...Kettle anybody.

Aah! I feel much better for that. Hmm, can't seem to work out this nine letter conundrum "critehypo" .