The Ex-Factor

I remember, to my chagrin, probably no more than four or five years ago stating imperiously that, "you'd never catch me doing that Internet dating". In my favour, I was in a relationship that was about ten years standing then (more of that later) and it never occurred to me that there would ever be the necessity to do so.

In true, (I wish I'd never opened my big mouth), fashion I wrote my first online dating profile almost exactly two years ago. It was done with a degree of childishness. My ex had done it first and was starting to see people and if she could do it I was damn sure I could too.

The first thing you realise is that dating profiles and career CVs are very similar......everybody lies. Some lie a little some lie a lot.

The next thing you notice is the lack of originality. I lost count of the times I read the phrases:-

"I'm just as happy in high heels as I am in wellies"

"I love dressing up in a ballgown or dressing down in jeans and T-shirt"

"Just as content dining out in an elegant restaurant as snuggling up on a sofa with a DVD and nice glass of wine"

Or, my personal favourite.

"Enjoys long country walks and finding a little pub with an open fire"

All very admirable, I'm sure but what I was really looking for was.

" Lottery winning 40 yr old ex-swimsuit model. Has own homes in Mayfair, Cannes and the Cotswolds. Collects exotic cars and Agent Provocateur lingerie. Interested in Poker, Cordon Blue cooking and Tottenham Hotspurs. Slightly kinky with a high sex drive. WLTM 58 yr old multiple divorcee. Preferably not in great shape added bonus if he has a live-in teenage daughter!"

Fortunately, I'm not holding my breath on that one ever materialising.

Since that first slightly narky profile there have been many Liaisons. Some Dangereuse some not. Some out and out nutters including one stalker, one who wanted to move in on the first date and one who called at 3 am just to hear my voice. I think the phrase she heard was "are you off your bleeding mind?"

There have also been some very lovely ladies that I have spent varying periods of time with, including the recently departed (no she's not dead just no longer with me) "lady friend". A relationship that lasted several months and which I know was mostly rewarding for both of us.

Two years on and still single. But here's the kicker so is my ex. Neither of us has managed to find Mr or Ms Right.

I think I know what the problem is though. The reason we are both still single is that we are looking for each other. Not the real each other but the fantasy each other. The perfect version that is all the things we liked/loved about each other. The each other that doesn't come with baggage, shortcomings and disappointments.

You may well ask "how do you know that's true". It's easy! Nobody has ever made us laugh so much as each other.