Surf vs Turf

Whilst watching one of the plethora of daily re-housing programmes, I think it was "Hunt for a new property relocation, place in the country at home or away", I came to a conclusion. It was at the point where the newly retired couple had been shown three different options and Mrs Newly Retired peered out the bedroom window of her dream residence and said "look at that view, you could never get tired of that!"

Well, I looked at the view. It was a sloping landscape of various shades of green and nothing much else and I concluded that I would be bored witless if that was all I was going to look at for the rest of my golden years ( a fleeting David Bowie ref.). The problem is I don't like the "country". I don't mind a leisurely drive to Laconicshire, an expensive lunch at a Michelin starred gaffe and a leisurely drive back. I just wouldn't want to live there.

You see people going "ga-ga" at a picture postcard, chocolate box, ivy-strewn cottage in Puddleton Beeznees and all I keep thinking is what happens if I run out of fags at 11.30pm. The prospective yokels get excited about the fact that the village has a general store, a pub and a post office, I can only ponder the disappointment if you fancy a pizza, Chinese or Indian delivery. They wax lyrically about the wonderful opportunities for rambling, fell walking or horse riding and I go into cold sweat working out where the nearest multiplex is.

On the other hand I totally understand the whole sea view thing. Doesn't matter whether it's Poole or Portofino that'll do for me.

There always seem to be the two completely opposite ends of the lifestyle spectrum. At one end you have the requisite tranquility, the seasonal changes affecting the seascape and the potential of being extricated from the lunacy of city living. Better still, whether an aficionado of the organic sail boat or the sybaritic power cruiser, nothing beats being on the ocean with cool sounds on the stereo and the cocktail shaker within easy reach.

Conversely, seaside living can also come with a thriving social scene. Balmy summer nights, hints of ozone in the air. Marinas alive with restaurants serving great seafood, funky little bars, boat parties complete with local weirdos who never ever seem to do anything but appear everywhere. And, of course glamorous ladies (or men obviously, I just take less notice of them).

So there you have it, my completely unreasonable, nonsensical and biased take on the perfect lifestyle locale. You may also be thinking "what on earth is this nutter going on about on Xmas Eve, hardly festive is it?"

Well, as I look out on the turgid greyness in the skies over North London, gaze moronically at the imitation fir tree and clench my teeth at the sounds of Sir Cliff giving it some "welly ", somewhere deep inside I'm hoping that Santa remembers I really, really want a 48' Sunseeker.

MERRY XMAS!